Human relationships are complex, and there are many moving parts based on the
experiences and characteristics of the persons involved. We learn a lot about
relationships through our family of origin and dating experiences during adolescence
and early adulthood. How might one know if a romantic relationship is abusive?
Idealization
Let’s consider characteristics of abusive relationships. In the beginning, there is typically idealization. This may include behavior, such as “love bombing,” which is when a person demonstrates excessive attention, admiration, and affection for the sole purpose of influence and/or manipulation. During this stage, it may appear their love for their partner is unconditional, and mistaking intensity for intimacy is common. Partners may identify areas of concerns during this stage but often ignore any “gut reactions” because
of how good it feels to be needed by another person.
Devaluation
Idealization is then followed by devaluation. It is during the devaluation phase that
insults and shaming occur, although subtle in the beginning. The abuser works to create
mistrust of others in order to increase the partner’s dependency on them. To others, the
“put-downs” may seem like teasing, and the partner may begin to identify with what the
abuser is saying or implying. There may unpredictable outbursts as well as inconsistent
application of rules by the abuser. “Gaslighting,” which is behavior intended to cause the
partner to doubt their own perceptions, may also occur. The abuse can be psychological
or physical, and maintaining control over the partner is typically a priority for the abuser.
The partner often works hard to please the abuser in an attempt to return to the “love
bombing” phase. Once the abuser has gotten everything they can from the partner, they
may no longer see the partner as useful. The abuser is now more apt to “discard” the
partner unless they see something of value that will further benefit them. “Love
bombing” may also be resumed by the abuser if the partner tries to leave the
relationship in an attempt to maintain control.
Abusive relationships often fragment a person, making it difficult to see self as a whole
person. Self-esteem can be negatively affected through this experience, but a pattern of
unhealthy relationships is not inevitable. Healing from abuse is possible through
education, processing of trauma, and learning to love one’s authentic self.
Kempe, A. (2023). After Self-Betrayal: Strategies to Help Clients Find Their
Authentic Selves. Narcissistic Abuse and Gaslighting Treatment Course: Help
Clients End Emotional Manipulation and Reclaim Their Lives from Toxic
Relationships [PowerPoint slides]. PESI.com.
Written by Heather Stevenson, MSW LCSW LCAC CCTP - Therapist at Orenda